No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.-Alice Walker
Maybe Mr. Money was right about me destined to have a poor and miserable life. Or maybe this is just the dark stages of my decision to leave him and the sun will shine for me soon. It is now going on two months and I have yet to obtain full-time employment. I did not anticipate this prolonged period of relying on my measly savings. I thought that I would move back in with my family and land a 60K minimum job within a few weeks. After all, I have years of experience and qualifications that were in high demand just a few short years ago. I have never felt so naive in my life. I literally have $340 left in my emergency fund and still need to register my car and find new insurance. I feel helpless but still desperately clinging to hope. Hope that money will come my way very soon. Hope that I can indeed make it on my own again. Hope that I don’t just say the hell with it and kill myself.
Kill myself. Now that is a thought that has been bouncing around in this head of mine for days. I’m just so tired of not knowing how or when my life will start improving. I feel defeated and helpless. Still, I know I made the right decision to leave a controlling, volatile and angry man. I left his home with an optimistic attitude but that is slowly waning. It doesn’t help that the U.S. is currently in one of the worst recession of our time. Thousands upon thousands of people are getting laid off, with additional mouths to feed and no savings to fall back on. How do we get ourselves into such a mess?
Then yesterday I read a rather well known blog by a young woman my age. She married some insanely rich man 30 years her senior. She was babbling on about what hand towels to put into the guest bathrooms. Should she get the monkey or artichoke design? Oh me! oh my! such hard decisions. So she just went with both. I’m sitting there reading this shit and I’m like the ultra rich are not tightening their belts at all. They are not feeling the hit of this country’s financial hardship and I don’t understand it. Now I’m not mad with the girl. In fact I’m happy that she seems to have a wonderfully fulfilling marriage. I could say she married that old dude for money. But I don’t believe that. I almost married my wealthy old dude but he ended up being a douchebag.
So, this is where my story begins. A story of being self sufficient to living the fabulously rich life on someone else’s dime, to being broke. I hope you will join me on my journey as I blog about becoming financially stable again one day at a time.
Love & Light
Hang in there. If you just need a friendly ear, I included my email.
hmmm your story sounds strangely familiar. Much like my life about 3 years ago. I was “in like” with a man who took care of me financially for 3 years, but didn’t care much for me emotionally. I was a “trophy’. I DO indeed miss the lifestyle, but the emotional baggage is not at all missed. The feelings you have will pass.
I wish you luck, perseverance, and a clear head with a good attitude. Thats sooo what it takes. Im interested to see how it continues.
Wow, good luck with everything.
I look forward to hearing more of your story.
good luck!!!!
isn’t it sad how quickly we become dependent on men for everything….and how difficult it is for us to end it?
well good on you for picking up the pieces and being so determined to start from scratch.
much love to you…
To:
Stranger In A Strange Land: Thank you so much for reaching out I really appreciate it.
Ms. Mary Mack: I know all too well how it feels to be looked at as a “trophy”. Not just for him but for the way his male friends would look at me. He loved it. I think most older men dating much younger women do. I miss the easy lifestyle sometimes but my freedom tastes so much sweeter. Thanks for reaching out and sharing
Riyaliti: It really does take a good and positive attitude to start over. I’m trying to keep myself in that mind frame. Thanks for coming by and I hope you’ll stick around to hear more too!
Kez: Thank you so much!
ExMi: Yes it’s very sad especially since I was always a self sufficient woman who had her own place, car, respectable career, everything before I met him. It does become difficult to end a relationship when your living a wealthy lifestyle that you’ve only imagined. I know I stayed way longer than I should have. Lessoned learned lol. Thanks for the love sweetie
I’m hooked.
I applaud your valiant effort to break free. I think it can only be uphill from here. Know that this IS the right decision, and that despite your circumstances, you are on a journey to discovering yourself and that is a scary yet wonderful journey!
It will be immensely empowering when you finally stand proud on your own two feet, after being shaky for so long… and I’m looking forward to reading about it on your blog.
Don’t give up or give in… the best is yet to come!
You choose your own happiness….
Amazing writing.
I’m also hooked, and kinda sad there are only 2 posts.
Whereas I am envious of your former lifestyle, I am not sympathetic to your struggles with the financial hardship.
Having been educated to the level of a Doctorate (not MD, but PhD), I’m making under $30 000 (Canadian Dollars none-the-less), and forced to live with family in a very expensive city.
The recession hasn’t “hit” my province, and I feel very slighted by those who have less education but are making MUCH MUCH more off of oil companies that strip our land bare of resources…
I do hope that you become independent once again though, and I look forward to your future posts.
im going to add you to my blog roll. i found you through 20 something bloggers and im so currious about your story.
as i am too presently unemployed and just trying to find myself again, i relate.
looking forward to hearing more of your story great blog so far
Oh my! I don’t know you, but I want to encourage you! You can do it!!! I’ve had my own share of troubles (who hasn’t, right?) and so I know what it feels like to suddenly feel alone and have to stand on your own for the first time in a long time.
Been there, done that. It ended in 1990. Best thing that could have happened to me but it took a long, long time to find myself. It isn’t about the job, the financial security, the lifestyle, the perks (those all of those things can be quite nice) but about the relationship you have with yourself. I take pleasure in the simplest of things now and have never attained the level of wealth I once enjoyed – and can honestly say I don’t miss it. It came at a price that was indecent and had nothing to do with my core values, which remain. I know you will have a wonderful future and that this is just one chapter in a life that has many, many more.
I know all about the suicidal thoughts. But when I think what I would have missed and how seriously wasted my life and talents would have been had I been successful, I am grateful to have worked my way through the anguish to end my days with a high hand, and that in full recognition that this man was never worthy of me. I’ve come a long way, baby, and you will too! Trust me. I know what I’m talking about.
I simply cannot wait to hear more of your story! I think we have all been in relationships that have sustained in some sort of way…maybe financially, maybe emotionally, so many reasons…that turn out to not be the right one. It is so empowering to be cut free (or cut yourself free) and discover your own world! Good luck!
To:
Janet: Thanks for stopping by. Please stay around for a while. Tons of stories to share.
Shizz: Thank you so much! I am very much looking forward to standing on my own two feet again. It has been an up hill battle but I figure I can’t get any lower than this.
Von: Why are you forced to live with family in an expensive city? What have you been doing for work?
Discotrash: Thanks fo radding me to your blog roll. I love your blog! Try to stay positive about finding employment. Times are so hard right now. I’m sending positive vibes your way and really hope you land something soon.
Far: Thank you for checking out my blog
HBee: Oh thank you so much for the encouragement. I sure doo need it right now.
Carol: I so feel you on loving the simple things in life. I find joy in my family, friends, work. I’m back to my old mind set of less is more. Yes, suicide was on my mind too. But when I look at my two year old nephew there is no way I could go through with it. I think about how I’d never see him grow and he’d never know me. He is my shining light.
SCB: It does feel really good cutting myself free. Thank you for your encouragement.
Good luck in your life and future, I love reading your blog. Come check out mine when you have a chance.
XOXO Isabella
I’m hooked, too!
I’d love to read the blog you mentioned. Could you provide a link, please?
Keep your head up, your story is inspirational!!!
It was like music to my ears to find your blog, not because I enjoy your pain, but that I find relief in knowing that I’m not crazy for feeling the way I do while going through the EXACTt same situation. I found it by googling ” starting from scratch” to find advice and inspiration on how to cope with starting over. I wish you the best and look forward to hearing about your progression.