Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.-Antoine de Saint Exupery
I never asked him why he loved me. What he loved about me. Or why he said it so soon. We had only been dating two months when he had taken me to Paris to celebrate my 26th birthday. While laying in bed at the Paris Marriot Champs Elysees he let those three words leave his mouth. “I love you”. He whispered them in my ear as we were snuggled tightly under the silk duvet after making love for the second time that morning. I smiled when those words graced my ears. Slowly I eased away from him sliding onto my back to face him. He eased up and carefully rested on his elbow hovering over me. There was sincerity in his face. I had known Mr. Money to be an honest man so far. He wouldn’t say it if he didn’t mean it. “I love you” he said again. I didn’t know what to say. I adored Mr. Money but I didn’t love him yet. I struggled with the right words and quietly said “thank you”. He smiled and assured me that he was ok with me not saying it back. I was still the woman that he had waited so long for and he just needed to say it. It was wonderful to hear that. I was so used to dealing with men my age having commitment issues and weren’t done playing the field. And now finally…finally someone who wanted the same things I did. Trust. Love. Commitment. Stability. Mr. Money was a dream come true. At that moment in bed it didn’t matter that he was 3 times my age. It didn’t matter that he was almost all gray in the head. And it certainly didn’t matter what anyone else thought of us. I had found someone who loved me. But I wasn’t being wise.
I should have asked him what love meant to him. I should have had a discerning & discriminating heart. When we hear the words “I love you” we tend to take our personal meaning of love and attach it to our lover. We know what love means to us but hardly stop to ask our lovers what it means to them. When “I love you” was spoken it saddens me to say I began thinking with my heart and abandoned my head. Looking back now I should have been skeptical. How is it possible to really love someone in two months? Was he really sincere or did he smell a “love” insecurity in me somewhere hidden?
Recently I finished reading an amazing book called Eat, Pray, Love There is a passage so profound to me that I photocopied it and it now stays in my purse. It reads:
How will you provide for my daughter? What is your reputation in this community? What are your debts and your assets? What are the strengths of your character? My father would not have given me away in marriage to anybody for the mere fact that I was in love with the fellow…I never thought to ask a suitor the same challenging questions my father might have asked him, in a different age. I have given myself away in love many times, merely for the sake of love. If I am to truly become an autonomous woman then I must take over that role of being my own guardian. What I have only recently realized is that I not only have to become my own husband, but I need to be my own father, too. Page 286
Ahhh…If only I had run across this book sooner.
Do you know what love means to your partner? Are you on the same page?
Love & Light
Great to see you writing again. Like this post and I was wondering the same thing about women my age. Do all women my age, 28, have commitment issues? I mean, men are the ones supposed to be suffering from that disease!!
Thanks for giving me another perspective on love. Keep up the good writing and keep your head up!
Welcome back Ma’am. Because me and the girlfriend had both been burned before we were sure to ask all the questions we could and even after we had satisfactory honest answers, still took things very slowly.
I think everyone has commitment issues, not just one age group or gender.
Wow. Every time I try to break up with mine I realise I can’t afford to without having a stable line of clients. My Mr. Honey (now I secretly call him Jack the John) is a bigger than life character, controlling, “Oh sure, we’ll go to Paris” (and then conveniently has a soccer game to attend – when he takes me to London), says no one can afford me, practically bought me up for the last three and half years to be a high class whore… So, that is my ticket out… (except since the recession hit bad last year, he’s been stingy)
I can’t believe I read what you wrote! It is funny and nice to have simple pleasures isn’t it… lol! Mine are tea and seeing my mother!
I still dream about a beautiful home in the English country side, with a herb garden and a big kitchen and a dog to go running with and cute nice neighbours…
But I take everything for granted.. even the fact that Ferraro Rochers are still $2.50 for a little pack of three (probably for the last decade), and I buy two packs… I remember the days when I splurged on a packet and shared the other two with friends…
Yes, commoners… Just a way to elevate themselves from people who don’t like them. Jack the John has no friends. The last one owes him money…
Problem is, I don’t trust nice people, because I’ll hurt their feelings the way I have been cultured by my sugar daddy… Sugar daddies are creeps with agenda to belittle you with ‘love’ unless they empower you. Mine has never empowered me.
I was a graduate, I went across the country for a job I wanted (same as you).. Then he kept saying he loves me and wants me to travel, so I ate the persimmon seed to stay with exciting Hades… We were supposed to move in together.. two and half years later I find out he’s married… Love Love Love… he convinces me as he chants Beatles songs…..
Now I am more in control, but this lifestyle is my addiction. I just turned down a proposal of marriage to a wonderful guy, who has loved me for 10 years and waited for me. But I am too out of touch with people my own age, I don’t understand them and I feel like a circus monkey telling them my tricks…
Anyway, not my best writing above, so read my blog!
Good luck with your unscheduled sex and your career…. Mine is gone… I’m back at being in admin… I lost the will to pursue my straight career a while back… Now all I see is sex on the horizon (scheduled, in a way!!!)
Julietta du Monde
@Julietta – your story sounds so sad to me. I think mostly because you sounds resigned to a life of scheduled sex and Mr Jack’s view of who you. I’ll come visit your blog. Want to hear more.